The control freak wife-Surrender control of the controlling self for a happy marriage
Being married is challenging, as we often have to deal with a person who sometimes still carries baggage from his past. Well, the reality is that many times, we, as women, are the ones who have more baggage than men in the marriage. We tend to carry a lot of emotional and mental baggage from childhood, middle school, teen years, and past relationships. Because of this, women are usually more prompt to crave control in the relationship. Why? Because we don't want to get hurt again or because we are still bleeding and still hurts. . .
Dear wife, before we continue: "The problem is not your husband."
Many women get to marry their husbands with a big bag of resentment over their shoulders. Sometimes, there is resentment with the parents, siblings, relatives, and past friends or ex-boyfriends. We all resent those who have mistreated us and taken advantage of us.
Sometimes, women come to a marriage feeling inadequate and unworthy of the new position. Past wrong decisions and wounds make them believe they are unsuitable for this new life or opportunity. Some have cheated on her in the past, and some have made her lose trust in people. How can this man be different? Well, because, in a way, she has believed the lie that she will teach him how not to mess up (what a nightmare and a recipe for disaster!).
Dear wife, every day is a new opportunity to compensate for our past mistakes, a new opportunity to be a better person or a better wife, and a new opportunity to let go of the past and forgive finally.
Maybe you came to this post because you are giving yourself a new opportunity to try again to save your marriage. And guess what? There is the opportunity as long as you continue married. Also, there will be a new opportunity to compensate for past mistakes in marriage. You can still hug him, hold his hand while walking, write a letter to him, or cook his favorite food. There is still life and opportunity to do so.
Marriage will always require the Lord's help and the Holy Spirit's divine intervention. You can not do it in your strength; no one can. We need his supernatural strength daily to live together and, most importantly, to live happily ever after.
After almost 15 years of marriage and a career as a clinical mental health counselor working with brides, I have realized that most Wives want love and control. They marry the promise of being loved and cherished but want to control everything. When it looks like control is failing, it is easy to become a crazy screamer or a stranger to the current responsibilities of being a wife. Why? Because we are scared that our husbands will mess it up. You think that your heart can not bear the embarrassment of failure. We have built high expectations for him and made him pay for someone's bill when he was not even part of the party.
One of the disadvantages of craving for control and getting to have it is that life will not always be the same. It is easy to lose joy and become uninvolved in our husbands' lives, especially when the children come. As wives, we all feel a sense of little control before the children come home, but from time to time, we all end up understanding that we will not be able to control how our lives go anymore, and that's when WE mess it up.
Being uninvolved with your husband has damaging costs on your marriage
Don't go that way; it's a great danger. You are called to be Engaged for the rest of your marriage.
It's hard work to be engaged in our husband's life. We have so many things to do, and we don't know how to do them, so we have to buy books that teach us how to be better wives and feed our minds with the right stuff so our brains can catch up. The fact that you are reading this blog tells me that you are still engaged in your marriage, or at least you are trying, and that's excellent news.
Reading is becoming a necessary evil for those who want to keep their marriages. Investing time and hard work, especially in the first years of marriage, is precious and provides a good foundation for the upcoming years.
Marriage is hard but a blessing! But you have to be found worthy of respect in your marriage, in your husband's eyes. You see! We often try to change the other person, and we don't realize that the other person is observing us and able to change product of our own change, like a mirror.
As human beings, we respect all that has to do with strength and courage. Think carefully, when we look for a man we look for the ones who look strong and with a great personality. We admire those who have had great lessons of survival in their past or those who are great leaders. . . At this point, you don't see any strength in your husband. Maybe he is weak, and in your inner self, you despise him.
Dear discouraged wife, you have married a unique human being. There is no one like him, and to rain on your parade, those guys you admire are also full of imperfections you could not bear. They are strong because they have been broken; they are so resilient because they had great adversity, and when you are married, you will realize that you don't like the other side of the story. Sometimes, it is just that you are married to someone just like you, and you don’t like that much being you. Now, my question for you is: Do you offer your husband the same strength and courage you seek? Do you have what it takes? Would you be happy to have married you?
Despite all the mistakes, your husband will always admire your strength and courage to continue being married to him. To be married, you must be determined to get rid of these stupid lies and imaginations and continue standing when the strong winds come because they will come.
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I corinthians 10:5
Bad events will show you how determined you are for your marriage.
As a clinical mental health counselor, one of my best advice for newlyweds is to be aware of and kill willful acts of mistreatment and neglect when they are small in the relationship, as these willful acts will eventually grow and bring disaster to the marriage. Things like porn are an open door for future infidelity. Screams are the beginning of future domestic violence; little thoughts of despise will eventually create a big ball of snow that will handicap your relationship, and so on.
If we allow these small things to live and give them a small space in the marriage, these baby things will change our relationship, and you will not see it coming.
Little by little, our marriage will become a place of disrespect and dishonor. And there you will ask yourself? How in the world did all this happen? Well, it happened with the small things built up together daily, moment by moment.
A stop in the thought pattern and certain boundaries in communicating and treating each other are necessary.
We must earn our respect as wives by setting boundaries to protect both parties. Yes, our husbands need protection from us, too.
My dear wife, you will never be able to control everything your husband does or does not, but you can surrender control of your relationship to God.
Being married is not easy, but it is precious before The Lord. Marriage will have its share of sweat, blood, and tears, but the most important thing is that everything you do will be done in love; let's not leave a door open for the enemy by not acting in love.
In marriage, there is no place to care about what others think about you or your husband or to look for others' approval. Who cares? Caring would throw your marriage into the pit of despair because pleasing ugly people is horrible. You will never be enough for them, and you can get over that!
Marriage should be a place to have fun and be free of high expectations. In marriage, we are allowed to be just us, just like that! The ones full of fears, mistakes, and traumas, but the ones who love and have many qualities and abilities.
Our marriage is our safe place from horrible people. In our marriage, we are protected, and at least, that is how God designed it for us.
Marrying a mother, not a wife
And to finish today's conversation. . . Don't become your husband's mom. It's not attractive at all…
Many women marry to become their husband's mothers or bosses. They want to boss the husband to behave as they want them to. These poor men face nagging and silent treatment, and sometimes, they are deprived of food and sex. My dear wife, this is mistreatment and abuse. Wives want to mold their characters and personalities to the way they are, forgetting the fact that God created them that way. If you sit to think, the thing you despise is the thing you hate about yourself, so it is easier to work on you the thing your husband is missing so you will not lack anything.
A severe problem for complaining, is that your husband will lose the focus of his life to confirm himself not to the will of God but to the will of the wife. He will lose his peace and nerves trying to make an unsatiable woman happy. He will end up feeling like he is not enough when, in reality, the one with the problem is the wife.
He will bring flowers; he will buy stuff; he will cook; he will hug, and he will listen to get approval.
Your husband is free to do the will of God for his life; don't be a foolish woman, girl! Controlling and trying to make your husband the way you are is what is killing your marriage. Your husband's only chance to succeed is being in the will of God. And the will of God is that he behaves and enjoys the way He created him to be.
As women of God, to have a happy marriage, we need to support our husbands, be helpers in their lives, help them be resilient, and show them by our example that they depend on God and never on you.
They can count on us, but we are not their savior. We need to create a place of peace around our arms, pray for them, and leave the rest to The Lord.
I am sure He will surprise us because He has better plans than yours. . .
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55: 8-9
If you have been this controlling wife, there is no time for self-condemnation. You need to repent: " If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
The will of God is not that you abide in guilt.
It's important to remember that things in our marriages are beyond our control, such as the past. However, with God, a new beginning is always possible.
Your marriage can be a testament to God's ability to restore what was broken, and this should give you hope and motivation to work towards a healthier, more respectful relationship.
Please, don't get divorced. Don't give up on your marriage yet. Examine yourself, surrender the need to control, and don’t try to make your husband another person.
Don't change him; embrace who he is.
Take care♥
Related: EMBRACING MARRIAGE: LESSONS ON LOVE, RESPECT, AND SELF-ACCEPTANCE
